


From the Journals of an Inquisitor and a Commander

by Willowflower_Waterlily



Series: Cullen/Quizzy One-off Stories (Chaptered and One-Shots) [3]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 12:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 10,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3729472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowflower_Waterlily/pseuds/Willowflower_Waterlily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tuvz_9D7Ok was in my head when I was writing this.</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Cullen, After the First Meeting

_I met the Herald today, and she is the most amazing woman I ever met. She is intelligent, and kind, and thinks of others before herself. Her eyes are cobalt blue. I've never seen anyone with eyes of that color before, not even in my time in Kirkwall. And when she smiles, it's like I had been living my whole life under a cloud and suddenly the sun came out. I'll do anything to see her smile again..._  
_I'm in big trouble._

 

Cullen watches the Herald spar, and it's like nothing he's ever seen before. She evades all of Cassandra's attacks with the grace of a master dancer, and her attacks are quick and deadly. He had never seen anyone best Cassandra before. The Herald looks over at him, her blue eyes full of mirth and he turns quickly, lest she notice his blushing. 

"So did you like what you saw?" She makes him jump slightly with her question. He never heard her walk up to him. Cullen turns around, and she smiles at his blushing. "I should, um, go. We have a trip tomorrow and I should be packed for it by now." 

"You can come by and talk to me again, if you want, Herald." Cullen prays he didn't sound like a love sick teenager.

"I'd like that. Though I'd also like it if you would call me by my name every once in a while." She teased. "It's Clara, not Herald." With that Clara mock salutes him and walks away before he can reply.

"You're in big trouble, Curly." Varric teases Cullen, and all Cullen can do is nod.


	2. Clara in the Hinterlands

_I'd be in big trouble if I thought the amazing Commander would ever be interested in me. But he isn't, I'm sure. Though he is really fun to tease and joke around with. He gets this wonderful blush when I ask something personal. I asked him about his Templar vows, and he turned bright red when I asked if he had taken a vow of chastity. He's probably like that with all the women though._

_I got to help many people on the trip to the Hinterlands. Rifts shut, supplies acquired. Rogue Templars and mages handled. I wish I could do more for them. Maybe once the watch towers are up, they won't have to worry about bandits as much. Back to Haven tomorrow, maybe I'll dream of Commander Cullen tonight. It will probably be the only place I can have him..._

 

Clara guides her horse into Haven, with the others following on their own horses. She tries to will herself to not jump off her horse and run to Cullen as soon as she sees him. Passing the training grounds, she brings her horse to the stables and brushes her down. Clara reaches into her pack and feeds her horse that she dubbed Beauty an apple. "You're very kind to your horse." Cullen says as he walks up to her.

"Of course, I want to show her she's cared for." Clara affectionately rubs Beauty's snout before she faces Cullen.

"What did you name her?"

"Beauty." Clara smiles at Cullen, while wishing she could change a thing or two about herself.

"An apt name." Cullen says, "if you'll excuse me, I should get back to training the soldiers. I just wanted to come by and welcome you back." Clara nods, and tries to not be blatant about watching him walk away.


	3. Cullen watches Clara Spar

_We've had a large number of recruits come in from the Hinterlands, though it is no surprise, not with Clara out there. Anyone that sees her can see how wonderful she is. She's even added to her inner circle with a Grey Warden, a Qunari mercenary (and his company), a strange elf rogue, and a First Enchanter. I wonder if she knows how special she is. She has to know. Once we gain enough allies, I'm sure anyone of them would make a fine match for her. I wish I could be among those numbers, but..._

_I shouldn't, couldn't be. Any one of my issues would be enough of a deterrent to keep us from being together. I doubt she feels the same way about me anyways. She flirts with everyone._

 

Cullen stands in front of his soldiers in the training grounds, and tries to focus on them, and not the amazing brunette rogue that has capture his affection, perhaps even his heart. She has captured the attention of others though, as she and the Qunari, The Iron Bull make slow circles around the sparring ring. He watches them fight and it's like a dance that only they know the steps to. In the end, a plume of dust rises around them and when it clears, Clara stands above Bull and both are laughing. Then Bull says something to her, and it makes her cheeks color pink. She looks around, until her eyes land on Cullen, and he waves at her, not knowing what else to do. She waves back and Cullen watches as she and Bull head toward the tavern.


	4. Clara's Tear Stained Entry

_I think he hates me now. I made the mages allies and he was so mad at me. He doesn't understand, I couldn't... I just couldn't become the mages' jailer. I was stupid to think he would understand. Of course he wouldn't, he was a Templar. And the way he switched to a neutral tone with me, it was unnerving._

_And what's worse is that he only sees me as the mark on my hand. "None of this would have been possible without the mark." I'll never be me to him, ever. It's bad enough that I'm average looking at best, but now I've been reduced to my mark. When the breach is sealed, he'll probably stop being nice to me at all. It was just him being professional, nothing more._

 

"Are you ready?" Dorian asks through the door. Clara dries her eyes, and washes her face. She quickly puts her journal into the bag she's going to take with her and walks out to meet her new friend.

"So, tell me what's wrong." Clara turns away from the raised eyebrow, and quizzical look Dorian is giving her. 

"It's nothing."

"Oh, you don't fool me." Dorian says, laughing. "That man you have it bad for might be extraordinarily oblivious, but I'm not. I saw the expressions on your face."

"It doesn't matter, he'll never think of me as anything more than this." Clara raises her hand to show Dorian her mark. "Is everyone else ready?" 

"Yes, just waiting on you." Dorian flashes Clara an annoyed look.

"Good, let's go heal the sky." Clara walks past Dorian, and toward the group of mages, while trying not to notice that Cullen was looking on from the Chantry.


	5. Cullen Thinks She's with the Tevinter

_She lived through Haven, I can't even begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. She's recovering in the healer's tent, and that Tevinter is with her. Of course they would be close. They flirt so shamelessly with one another, and she's stopped flirting with me, ever since she came back with the mages. Clara barely said two words to me since she woke up this morning. I should feel relieved that she found someone, but..._

_It kills me. My heart is breaking. I had hoped... No it doesn't matter. I knew it would come to this, loving her from afar. Never having a chance with her. Clara is so amazing, intelligent, warm, funny, beautiful. If she's found her match in the mage, then there's nothing I can do. I should, will be content that she lives, and that I can love her, even if she'll never know._

 

Cullen followed behind Clara and Solas as they made their way through the snow to the new home for the Inquisition. After three days of travel, they found it. As Cullen reaches the top of an embankment, his breath catches in his throat. It's a massive fortress, that probably required some repair, but it looked sound enough. He stands by the healers tents, leaning over a makeshift table and sets up guard rotations, and places for the soldiers to sleep. "Do you ever sleep?" Clara asks, startling Cullen.

"Not if I can help it." Cullen chuckles at her.

"Did we lose many?" Clara twirls her brown hair as she looks away a worried expression on her face.

"We didn't lose many, it could have been far worse." Cullen kicks himself mentally, he wants to comfort her, but that wasn't comforting at all.

"It was close. I'm glad that you... That so many made it out." Cullen watches Clara look down, and take a couple of breathes. As she turns to walk away, he grabs her arm. She looks up at him in surprise.

"You stayed behind... You could have..." Cullen feels a lump form in his throat, and tears prickle his eyes. He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. "I won't ever let that happen again. I promise." Clara nods at him and walks away.


	6. Clara thinks She's Plain

_They made me Inquisitor, I guess that means I have to stick around now. Even if it means being around Cullen. He confuses me. Just when I think I have him figured out, he does something unexpected. When I went to see him earlier, he promised me that he would never let what happened in Haven happen again. He seemed... Emotional? Like it upset him that I could have died, but that couldn't be it. We're both soldiers at heart, we both know the risks of war. It must have been because he thinks he failed, because we got overrun and had to abandon Haven. There was no way we could have won that fight, Coryfeus has a dragon after all._

_Now I just have to convince Dorian that he's wrong about Cullen. I know Cullen will never feel for me as I do for him. I won't embarrass myself like how Dorian wants me to. I'll just continue to care for him from afar. I hope it won't break me when he finds someone to love. I wonder what she'll be like. Beautiful, of course. Maybe blonde, with nicer blue eyes than mine. Elegant and intelligent. Ultra feminine, the type that wear fancy dresses and hold salons. Not someone who hates make-up and wears armor. Not me._

 

Clara makes it a point to be out of Skyhold more than in. She doesn't want to see Cullen fall for someone else, so she takes her group around Ferelden and Orlais to close rifts and help as many people as she can. After having met Hawke and Stroud in the Western Approach, they try to stop a blood ritual, but fail. Clara mourns for the Grey Wardens who were sacrificed, and starts back for Skyhold. "You fancy the Commander, don't you?" Dorian asks softly, as he and Clara sit in their tent.

"It doesn't matter, he doesn't feel the same for me. I'm the Inquisitor, the mark on my hand. If I didn't have it, he would have never noticed me."

"Are you really that oblivious?" Dorian took her hands in his. "The man is head over heels for you. It's killing all of us to watch the both of you deny that you have feelings for one another."

"Look at me, I'm so..."

"Beautiful? Intelligent? Kind? Caring?" Dorian suggests, smiling at his best friend.

"Plain." Clara finishes, biting her lower lip. "Unfeminine. Not what I picture when I think of who Cullen would be with." Dorian pulls his hands back, and throws them up in frustration.

"I will find a way to show you that you're wrong."

"No!" Clara looks at Dorian in panic. "No, don't say anything. Promise me you won't. You're supposed to be my friend, and friends don't embarrass their friends like that."

"They do, but I won't." Dorian says, sighing. "Just believe me when I say that he's crazy for you."

"I think you're just crazy." Clara pulls her blanket over her, and gives Dorian a quick kiss on the cheek. "Good night."

"Good night." Dorian replies and frowns as he watches her fall asleep.


	7. Clara and the Nightmare Demon

_I was in the fade again, physically. It was the scariest experience I had ever had. All my worst nightmares appeared before my eyes and I had to fight through them. I had to kill Cullen so many times. It killed me a little each time. If I didn't have Dorian and the others with me, I don't think I would have made it. But we all didn't make it, Stroud... I'm so sorry._

_The nightmare demon taunted us with our fears, and when he got me, he said that I would never know what it felt like to be loved. That I was too ordinary to attract the attention of the man I pine for. It was true, I know I won't. When we managed to get out of the fade, Dorian tried to drag me to Cullen, to tell him how I feel, but I couldn't. I can't. The rejection would be too much._

 

Clara rode back to Skyhold in peace, having convinced the others that she was fine, that she just needed to think. She made sure that they saw her eat and go to sleep, but nightmares began to hound her dreams. If they noticed, they never tell her. Bull tries to get her to open up, but she just sighs at him, and insists that she's fine. "Are you okay?" Cullen asks as he brings his horse along hers.

"Hmm? Yes, I'm fine." Clara tries to smile, but knows it isn't working. "It was just a lot to deal with, I'm still trying to process what I experienced." She saw him reach his hand out a little, only to pull it back. 

"If you need to talk, I'm here for you." 

"Thank you." Clara doesn't dare look at him, it would hurt her too much to see the neutral look he's probably giving her. "But you don't have to... I know you're just trying to make sure I can function up to the standards of my position." Clara urged her horse away from Cullen's and didn't notice the confused look on his face as she makes her way to the front of the line of horses.


	8. Cullen's Confusion, and Sera's Plan

_I don't understand what Clara meant when she said that I was trying to make sure she was functioning to the level of her position. Does she think I don't care for her at all, that I just think of her as the Inquisitor, or worse, if Dorian is to be believed. But I never thought of her as her mark. She's a person... A beautiful, wonderful, amazing person and I love her. Dorian keeps insisting that I tell her how I feel, that I wouldn't be rejected. But what if he's wrong. I can't, I won't put her in the position to have to turn me down. It is enough for me to love her at a distance and to know that she's safe. I just pray that when she finds someone she loves, that it won't be too much for me to bear._

 

"I have had enough of them convincing themselves that it will never be." Dorian proclaims to the group on the third floor of the tavern.

"Swap their journals." Sera suggested, laughing. "You should read them. Oh, I love him, but he doesn't love me. Oh I love her, but she doesn't love me. Swap 'em, and they'll both see. Simple innit?" The rest of the group exchange glances, and they all think why didn't I think of that. 

"I can do it." Cole smiles at them. "It'll help them, so I'll do it." Cole vanishes in the blink of an eye and everyone remaining feels like they've helped do something for the two most oblivious people in Skyhold.


	9. Journals Swapped and Feelings Exchanged

Clara wakes up, and goes to write in her journal, but finds a different book in it's place. She flips through it, reading. She recognizes the handwriting straight away. Cullen's, she thinks to herself, as she reads it. But... It couldn't truly be his. Dorian must be playing a trick on her. She reads the whole thing, but it can't be. Cullen could never love her. Clara decides that she's going to kill her best friend for toying with her heart.

 

Cullen finds a different journal on his desk, and opens it to the first page. "Clara." He says under his breath, and continues to read, his heart breaking more with each entry.

"Do you see now?" Dorian stands in the doorway to Cullen's office. "This is what I've been trying to tell you."

"How did this get in here?"

"I took yours and left hers." Cole appears before Cullen, standing on his desk.

"She has mine then?" Cole nods his head, and Cullen walks around his desk and quickly makes his way to the keep, with Dorian following.

 

Clara looks up to see Dorian at the top of her stairs. "How could you do this to me?" She whispers as he comes closer.

"Do what, my dear?" Dorian gives her a confused look.

"Put this in my room." Tears trickle down her face. "I know this isn't real, it couldn't be. How did you manage to forge his handwriting?"

"It is real." Cullen's voice surprises Clara and she looks around Dorian to find Cullen standing right behind him. He walks around Dorian and kneels before her. Delicately he removes his journal from her hands, and places it on the bed beside her. Cullen holds Clara's face in his hands, and brushes away the tears on her face. "I love you Clara, I've always loved you."

"I don't believe you. You just pity..." Cullen silences her with a kiss. Clara is shocked for a moment before she returns his kiss, melting into him. Breaking the kiss, Cullen looks into Clara's eyes and smiles. She flashes a watery smile at him, and Cullen leans into to kiss away the tears that escape her eyes. 

"I've never pitied you, everything in my journal is true. I love you, and I will always love you."

"I love you too, Cullen." Clara lowers herself to the floor, and kneels in front of Cullen. He pulls her into an embrace and kisses her deeply, and prays that she can feel how much he truly loves her through their kiss.


	10. Love, and a Request for a Dress

_He loves me! Cullen loves me! He said that he has always loved me. My heart feels like it's about to burst from joy. Maker, how did I get so incredibly lucky? That man is everything I could have dreamed of and more. And when he kissed me, I thought I had slipped into a dream. My beloved Cullen kissed me! His lips felt so soft and wonderful against mine, his stubble rough against my cheek. I could hardly keep myself from melting away in pure joy._

 

_She loves me! How could I not see it before? When I read her journal, I didn't realize how my words had effected her. I wish I could go back and take back the day I yelled about her allying with the mages. I never wanted her to think I hated her, I've loved her from the moment I first set eyes upon her in that first meeting. I wish I had told her sooner, maybe it would have saved her the pain she felt. I will make it up to her as best as I can. I pray it will be enough. I will never have her doubt my feelings for her again, she'll know I love her, and will always love her._

 

"Josephine?" Clara opens the door to Josephine's office to find her and Leliana talking. They look over at her and smile.

"It's about time." Leliana says, grinning, "we were all getting tired of the dance you and Cullen were in."

"How may I help you, Inquisitor?" Josephine waves her over to the desk.

"I, um, I want to requisition a dress." Leliana's and Josephine's eyebrows raise at the request. "Nothing fancy, just something simple."

"Maybe something to match the color of your eyes." Leliana suggests, and Josephine nods in agreement.

"I've never liked my eyes." Clara bites her lower lip as she looks at the other women.

"Why not? I've never seen such a beautiful shade of blue." Leliana smiles at Clara, trying to reassure her. "Plus I have it on good authority that there's a certain someone who loves your eyes."

"You read Cullen's journal, didn't you?" Clara blushes at Leliana, and Josephine chuckles softly.

"Of course I did, and it was so sweet. And I read yours too." Clara knows she should be angry, but she isn't. "You have no idea how beautiful you are. You've turned many heads here and in your travels, we've already received many offers for your hand."

"You turned them down, right?"

"Of course." Josephine replies. "After Leliana told me of your affections for the Commander, I turned them all down. While we are on the topic of dresses, we should talk about what you're going to wear at the Winter Palace."

"I thought I was going to wear a dress uniform like everyone else. Please don't put me in a massive dress."

"Well, that is the style..."

"I'll let you do something fancy with my hair, and I'll actually wear some make-up."

"Very good." Josephine grins at Clara, and it's then that Clara realizes that she could have offered one or the other and gotten away with it. "If your measurements are the same, I'll order a simple dress for you. Please trust me, when I say it should match your eye color. It'll be perfect."


	11. Clara: Dragon Slayer

_I was so furious with Clara when I heard that she and her group fought a dragon. **A Dragon!** How could they be so foolish to risk their lives to fight a dragon, and in the Western Approach no less. It's out in the middle of no where. But when they arrived back at Skyhold, Clara triumphant on Bull's shoulders, all the anger I felt melted away. She was home, safe. When Clara saw me, she jumped off of Bull and ran straight into my arms. And pride swelled in my heart. She is mine and I am hers. She couldn't wait to come back home, to me. She was even careful when they engaged the dragon. Clara learned how to use a bow, and stayed at a good distance because she knew that I would worry about her. They fought a dragon and brought Clara back home to me with out so much as a scratch._

 

"Why didn't you tell me you were learning to use the bow?" Cullen asked between kisses, and Clara beamed at him.

"I wanted it to be a surprise." Clara grinned like the cat that caught the canary. "I even got the killing shot. Right in the eye!"

"Really?" Clara nods her head vigorously at Cullen. Grinning at her, he wraps his arms around Clara and holds her close. "What would my dragon slayer want of the man who's desperately in love with her?"

"There are many things I could want..." Clara begins and lapses into silence as she thinks. "But for now, I want a kiss and to stay in your arms for as long as I can."

"I can do that." Cullen leans into Clara, kissing her passionately, and they lose themselves in each other's arms and lips.


	12. Clara: The Winter Palace

_I really don't like Orlais. At. All. I wish we didn't have to go to the ball. All those women around Cullen, every time I was in the ballroom. I wonder if they were around him all night, or just when I went to check in on him. And they were all so beautiful. Even with their masks on, I could tell they were.Cullen tells me he loves me often, and maybe it's just my own insecurities, but what if some other woman draws his attention someday? What if he regrets loving me?_

_I need to stop thinking like this, but it's so hard after having thought it for so long. It was a long night, but we stopped the assassin from killing Celene. And Cullen danced with me. He didn't want to dance with any of those pretty women. I asked him about it and he said he hadn't really been paying attention to any of them. Just me. And then he kissed me again, and told me he loves me before we walked in. I felt like I was walking on air, until..._

_I heard the women that were around Cullen all night whispering, loudly. About me. Picking me apart, all my faults. I wanted to cry, to run away, but Cullen squeezed my hand, and I looked up at him. He pulled me in his arms and kissed me again, in front of all those women. He said, "I love you, Clara Trevelyan. I don't give a damn what these Orlesians think, you are the only one for me." I wanted to cry again, but from happiness this time. I smiled at him, and he guided me out of the ballroom, and away from those awful people._


	13. Cullen: The Winter Palace

_I wish those Orlesian women would have left me alone during the ball. I wanted to be with Clara all night. To reassure her that none of these shallow women would ever turn my head. Not ever. But I saw the look in her eyes every time she came back into the ballroom. The pain and worry that would flash across her face before she quickly switched to a neutral expression. I wish I could have gone with her, helped her with her fights. It killed me that I was so close to the fighting, but I couldn't help her, protect her. Especially during the last fight. I saw how good Florianne was with her daggers, I was so scared that she would be hurt or worse._

_I danced with her after it all, kissed her, told her that I loved her. I told her that only she was worth having my attention. And then we walked back in to the ballroom, and I heard those women, what they said about Clara. I looked down at her and saw she was trying not to cry, to not run from the room, so I squeezed her hand and she looked up at me. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her. Then I told her what I had wanted to all night. That I love her, and those damn Orlesians mean nothing to me. Clara beamed at me, and I lead her out of the ballroom, and toward her room.When we got to her room, I brought her hand to my lips and gently kissed her knuckles, before I pulled her close to me and kissed her fervidly. She and I were breathless as we broke the kiss. She wished me a good night, and I watched her slip into her room._

 

Cullen wraps his arm around Clara and holds her close as they sit in the carriage on their way back to Skyhold. She nuzzles into Cullen, but doesn't wake up. Cullen smiles down at her and at the other people sharing the carriage with them. Dorian smiles back at him. "I'm so happy for the two of you."

"Thank you, Dorian. If it weren't for you, Sera, and Cole... Clara and I wouldn't have known how we feel for one another."

"Just make sure she never feels like she did again. She has no idea how beautiful she is, how wonderful." 

"I'll make sure she knows every day for the rest of our lives." Cullen lightly plants a kiss in Clara's hair, and watches her smile in her sleep.

"Are you going to ask her to marry you?" Dorian raises an eyebrow at Cullen.

"Yes, when this is all over." Cullen looks at Clara warmly then looks up at Dorian and Josephine. "Don't tell her, please. I want it to be a surprise."

"She won't hear a word from either of us." Josephine and Dorian insist in unison.


	14. Cullen's Bad Day

_Today was not a good day. I pushed myself too hard of late, and have been suffering the consequences. I asked Cassandra to find a replacement for me, but she refused. I was so furious with her that when Clara interrupted our meeting, I glared at her. I tried to apologize, but the look on her face... She followed me back to my office, offered to listen to me. She's too good for me. I told her everything, and she didn't run from me. Didn't look at me with anything but sympathy. Clara believes in me, more than I do myself. I have to try to stay off of the lyrium for myself, and for her. I wish I had never joined the Templars to begin with, but if I hadn't, maybe I would have never met her, and being with her makes everything I suffered worth it._

 

Cullen looks up from his journal to find a try of food was left on his desk, but he didn't see anyone come in to bring it to him. He sees a note on the tray and reads it.

_My Dearest,_

_I made you some food and tea, it should help you with your withdrawal symptoms. I apologize for the flavor of the tea, it's a bit bitter, but I tried to sweeten it with some honey. Remember I'll always be there if you need me._

_Love, Clara_

 

Cullen smiled at the note, and took a sip of tea. He swished it around in his mouth and swallowed, not thinking it too bitter, then he devoured the bowl of soup and toast Clara had made for him. Sera enters his office and smiles at him, before she puts a piece of cake on his desk, cackles and leaves. He raises an eyebrow, shrugs, and eats the cake.


	15. Clara's Worries and Promise

_I wish I didn't have to go away as often as I do. Especially not now, not with Cullen having a string of bad days. He never told me how bad it gets, I wonder if I've been too self-absorbed to notice. Maker, please help Cullen through his withdrawal. I can't always be there for him, and I fear what might become of him should I..._

_I love him, more than I have ever thought possible to love anyone, and it scares me. I don't want to lose him to lyrium or this war. And I don't want to leave him alone. If I do... If I do die, I pray that he'll move on and find someone._

 

Cullen sneaks up behind Clara and wraps his arms around her. She leans into him, sighing. "How did you know it was me?"

"I just knew." Cullen smiles at Clara's answer. 

"I wanted to thank you for making sure I ate these past few days, but you don't have to worry about me." Clara turns around in his embrace and kisses him.

"I can worry about you a little." Clara lays her head on his chest, and feels it vibrate as he chuckles. "I love you, and isn't that what people do when they love one another?"

"I suppose you're right." Cullen says as he tightens his hold on her. "I know I worry about you when you're away."

"Please try not to push yourself while I'm away, and remember to eat."

"I'll do my best." Cullen kisses the top of Clara's head. "Just promise me you'll come back to me."

"I promise, I won't let anything or anyone come between us." Clara and Cullen stay cuddled in one another's arms, on Clara's balcony as they watch the sun set.


	16. Clara's Second Tear Stained Entry

_We found where Samson was hiding the tranquil who made his armor, and we decided to make our move. Cullen insisted on coming with us, and I knew it was a bad idea. I just hadn't realized how bad of an idea until it was too late. We broke through and killed a number of red Templars, but Samson himself was no where to be found. Maddox was there though, and he had poisoned himself. I wish we had gotten there sooner, so we could have stopped Maddox from killing himself. We looked around, and found Maddox's tools and a note for Cullen. He was so angry. I've never seen him in such a state. And when I tried to help him, he said the most awful things to me. I... I don't even want to think of what he said again to put it down here. It was painful. I think it was the red lyrium that intensified his anger, but what if..._

_What if he meant those things he said. He's been avoiding me ever since we left Samson's lair. I think he blames me for not getting there fast enough. Cullen won't speak to me at all. Maybe if I give him the space he wants, he'll tell me what is in his heart. There are still plenty of rifts to close, and people to help. Maybe the time apart would be a good thing..._

 

"Dorian, don't kill Cullen." Clara sighs at her best friend. "I'm thinking he just needs some space after having been around all that red lyrium."

"Space my foot." Dorian paces in her room as he drinks his glass of wine. "I was there, those things he said... He swore to me he'd never make you feel like that."

"But I..." Clara starts, but Dorian glares at her.

"I saw the look on your face, it was the same expression you would have on your face before he told you he loves you. I won't tolerate that. There is no excuse for his behavior."

"I'll make a deal with you." Clara says, and Dorian stops his pacing to look at her. "We go and handle things that need doing, and if he's still acting like this when we get back, you can do whatever it is you have in mind."

"Deal." Dorian and Clara clink their glasses, and drink their wine in peace.


	17. Cullen's Regret

_Dorian came by to see me today, and he was livid with me. Rightfully so, I am ashamed to admit. The things I said to Clara, they were untoward. I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I didn't know how the red lyrium was going to affect me. The look on her face, and Maker, I didn't stop. Why couldn't I control myself? Damn me to the Void. And what my silence to her must have seemed like since. My love, oh my Clara... She left the day after we came back, and is leaving again tomorrow. She only just got back this morning. Dorian said she was giving me space, and hoped that was what I needed. He went on to say he saw the look in her eyes when she thought no one was looking at her, the quiet sobs at night, when she thought he was sleeping. It's all my fault. I need to go see her._

 

Cullen searches all of her favorite spots, before he goes to Josephine. "Have you seen Clara around?"

"She left again." Josephine looks up from her paper work to give him the evil eye. "She decided to move up her trip to this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning."

"Why?" Cullen's mouth opens and closes and he prays it isn't why he thinks it is.

"You." Leliana says, walking into the room. "How could you Cullen? You knew how she felt before you and she declared your feelings for one another."

"I was not myself." Cullen slumps into the chair behind him, his heart in this throat. "I didn't mean any of it, and when I had my head clear enough to realize what I had truly done..."

"So you avoid her?" Josephine asks, "how does that help?"

"I didn't know what else to do."

"Well find a way to patch things up." Leliana crosses her arms and glares at Cullen. He nods weakly at her, and tries to think of a way to redeem himself in Clara's eyes.


	18. Clara and the Dragon

_If I never step foot in a desert again, it will be too soon. We've been tracking down and killing Venatori in the Hissing Wastes. I wonder why this area is named that. I haven't seen a single angry cat or snake anywhere. We've also been trying to find out what Coryfeus would want from the Dwarven ruins in the area. We followed all the clues and gathered up the five pieces of a key, but there's a dragon in the way, so we'll have to go through it to get to the tomb. Hopefully we can defeat the dragon and get into the tomb unscathed._

 

"So we're going to fight a dragon." Dorian states, looking at the beast in front of them. Clara nods, and Bull grins. Blackwall and Dorian exchange an uneasy look. "where's your bow, Clara?"

"Forgot it."

"Clara..."

"What, she'll be fine." Bull growls. "Let's do this!" He and Blackwall charge in while Clara stealths in, and Dorian hangs back. The fight is as vicious as Dorian thought it would be, and in the end, they only just managed to kill the beast. Blackwall and Bull use almost all of the potions, not realizing how injured Clara really is.

"Clara?" Blackwall walks up to her. "Are you okay?" Clara looks at him, her face pale and she falls backward into the sand.

"Clara!" Dorian screams, running up to her. They pour the last of the healing potions down her throat, and Bull carries her back to camp to see how badly she's injured.


	19. Cullen's Fear

_I haven't heard anything from Clara or Dorian since they left. I don't know where they are or if they're okay, and it's killing me. Neither Leliana nor Josephine have heard anything from them either. I know it takes some time to get out to the Hissing Wastes, but usually there's at least one or two messages by now. It scares me. Even if none of them want to communicate with me, they would have sent something to the other two advisers. Not knowing is worse than anything. My imagination has run wild with everything that could have possibly gone wrong. Maker, I beg you, please watch over them all. Please bring Clara home to me so that I can make things right with her._

 

A soft knock on Cullen's door snaps him back to reality. "Enter." Josephine slips in and delicately closes the door behind her.

"Cullen, I have some news." Josephine met his gaze, and the look in her eyes sent a chill down his back. "There was a dragon nesting in front of a Dwarven tomb that Clara and her group were investigating. Bull and Blackwall were badly injured but had used enough healing potions to limp back to camp. They didn't realize Clara was injured until after the fight."

"Is she?" Cullen grabs his head in his hands and closes his eyes. "Didn't she have her bow? Did they say how she is?"

"She forgot her bow in her haste to leave. Dorian didn't say how she was, just that she was badly injured and to send Solas." Josephine walks up to his desk and places the letter on his desk. "I would avoid Cassandra and Leliana for the time being." Cullen nods numbly, and watches Josephine leave. He picks up the note, and begins to read.

 

_Josephine,_

_We had to fight a dragon that was nesting in front of a tomb the Venatori were looking for. While I walked away from the fight unscathed, Blackwall and Bull are covered in bruises and cuts. Clara was badly injured. We hadn't realized how badly she was injured and thought the two warriors had taken most of the damage. She collapsed after the fight and hasn't woken up. We've been doing what we can, but we need a real healer here as fast as Solas can ride._

_We will keep you up to date._  
_Dorian_

 

Cullen buries his face in his arms and cries. He knows in his heart that it's his fault that she left so soon after she had returned. Why she had left for such a long period of time after they had gotten back from trying to track down Samson. As he sits up, he's surprised to find Solas standing before his desk. "Come with me." Solas says, and Cullen nods. He quickly calls a meeting and puts one of his captains in charge. Cullen gathers up a few things, then he and Solas mount up and race toward the Hissing Wastes.


	20. Cullen's Tear Stained Entry

_When I first saw her after we arrived at the camp in the Hissing Wastes, I thought she was already dead. Clara, my Clara was so pale. Solas began to heal her right away, and I waited for him to say something, anything. That she would be all right, that I would see her open her beautiful blue eyes so I can beg her to forgive me. The others blame me, and they're right to. It's all my fault. If I had tried to tell her how sorry I was, if I had done something before she left, maybe she wouldn't be laying in a tent fighting for her life. It's all my fault, and I can't do anything but wait and pray. I pray that the Maker doesn't take her from me for how terrible I was to her. She truly is a gift from the Maker, and I can't..._

 

"Cullen." Solas places his hand on Cullen's shoulder. "She's going to be fine, but she'll need to rest for a while. I am going to go with the others to see what's in the tomb." Cullen nods and walks into the tent Clara is laying in. He adjusts her blanket and smooths out her hair.

"I'm so sorry, my beloved." Cullen whispers as he feels tears well up in his eyes. He takes one of her hands in his own and holds it up to his face.

"Cullen." Clara opens her eyes and smiles up at Cullen. 

"My love." Cullen gently picks her up and holds Clara in his arms. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I never meant any of what I said. I shouldn't have waited so long to tell you. If I hadn't waited so long, you wouldn't have been injured. It's all my fault." 

"It wasn't your fault I forgot my bow, it was my fault." Clara says. She kisses his tears away, and stares into his eyes. "I mostly knew that you didn't really mean those things you said."

"The look in your eyes when I said them, and every time you look in my direction after. My love, I beg you please forgive me. I... I will understand if you don't..." Tears flow from Cullen's eyes as he weeps, his heart breaking at the thought of not being with her anymore.

"I forgive you." Clara wraps her arms around him, and squeezes him. "I won't lie, it hurt when you said those things, but the silence was worse. My imagination got the better of me some nights."

"Do you... would you..." Cullen starts to ask, but isn't sure how to finish the questions or if he wants to know the answers.

"I love you, Cullen Stanton Rutherford." Clara kisses him. "Please don't do that again, I don't think I could take it."

"I won't, I swear it." Cullen replies. "I love you too, Clara Rose Trevelyan."


	21. Clara's Doubts

_I woke up in the tent in the Hissing Wastes, and Cullen was beside me, holding my hand. He told me he was sorry and begged my forgiveness, which I gave. He seemed to be asking if I still wanted to be with him. I do, it's just... I can't forget what he said to me that day. When he says that he loves me, or tells me things like that I'm beautiful, there's part of me that questions if he really means it. Did he say those things that day because he knew it would hurt me, or was there some part of him that those words ring true to? Maybe he thinks he means it, but someday, another woman will turn his head. I try to be cheerful around him, because we have so much that we need to get done still... And I am afraid of what he might say if I asked him. We haven't had much time together in any case since we got back to Skyhold, and we're about to head out again, to the Arbor Wilds. After this is all over, I will try to muster the courage to ask Cullen his intentions._

 

Clara ran through the Arbor Wilds with Dorian, Bull, Solas, and Morrigan. They help the soldiers out as they make their way to the Temple of Mythal. Right in front of the temple, they see Cullen in the middle of the fighting. Clara runs up to help him, and he shouts for her to move on, that he's fine. Clara takes down one more red Templar and nods at him. Silently, she prays that he survives the fight.

 

The slow way feels grueling, but worth it when they manage to open the door. Bull grumbles about missing all the fun as they follow their guide to Samson. Clara sticks her hand in her pocket and feels the rune Dagna made. When they get to Samson, he starts going on a rant, and Clara decides that it needs to end and uses the rune. The fight is long and bloody, even with Samson's armor broken. Finally, Samson collapses, and Solas tends to everyone's wounds. Abelas runs past them and Morrigan is right behind him. After a long debate, it's Morrigan that drinks from the well. Clara helps her up, after she collapsed. "Are you okay, Morrigan?"

"I am fine." Morrigan holds her head, trying to get her thoughts in order. They hear a scream, and see Coryfeus flying at them. Morrigan activates the eluvian and everyone runs through.


	22. Cullen Worries

_Clara and her group disappeared in the temple. I'm afraid of where that mirror in the back of the temple might lead to. Leliana tried to assure me that they're fine, and I want to believe her, but... There was nothing we could do, so we decided to go ahead of the soldiers back to Skyhold. I ordered the captains to restrain Samson and transport him for judgement. I'll have to talk with Clara about what she wants to do with him. Part of me wants to handle what happens to him, but I'm unsure I can handle it professionally. Perhaps there's a better way without me getting directly involved. Most importantly, I just want to see Clara again, to know she's safe. I want her to know without a doubt that I love her heart, mind, body, and soul. I know I've given her cause to doubt, even with her assuring me that she knows I love her, she gets this look in her eyes sometimes. Maybe I'm just imagining things, because I still feel guilty about what I said._

 

Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine make their way to the war room, and find Clara and Morrigan there. After a debriefing, Clara and Morrigan go to talk about how Morrigan can match Coryfeus's dragon, and Cullen decides to pray. After everything that Clara and Morrigan told them, Cullen was more afraid then ever. As he finishes chanting Trials 1:14, Cullen senses that he's being watched, but when he turns around no one is there. Cullen shrugs and continues praying.


	23. Clara: Watching from the Shadows

_I watched Cullen pray from the shadows of the room the shrine of Andraste is in. He looked around once, but didn't see me. As much as I wanted talk to him, I just couldn't. I waited for a while after he left before I followed out the door. I went to Josephine and told her that I wanted to judge Samson as soon as he was delivered. She told me that Cullen was to take her place, and it worried me. Cullen caught up with me later on, not long before Samson was delivered. We talked over possible rulings before I decided that Dagna would have control over Samson, but Cullen could still try to get information out of him. I was glad that Cullen agreed to it._

_Cullen looked like he wanted to talk about something, but before he could, one of his captains knocked, and let us know that Samson had been delivered. We nod at one another and he lead the way out to the main hall._

 

Clara watched Samson being dragged back to his cell and calls court to an end for the day. Cullen walks toward her and she smiles at him. "Can we talk, my love?" Cullen asks her, taking her hand in his.

"Maybe later, love. There has been so much happening lately, I need to rest." Clara stifles a yawn, and Cullen nods in understanding.

"Later, then. I'll bring you dinner." Cullen leans down to her hand and delicately kisses her knuckles. "Rest well, my love."


	24. Clara: Positive/Negative

_I woke up, and realized that I had slept a few hours. I found a tray of food and a note from Cullen. He had a late meeting, and hoped I would make sure to eat. I did, as I went through paper work. I tried to keep my mind from wandering, but I couldn't help it. I kept wondering what Cullen had wanted to talk to me about. My mind almost split in two as to what he might say, but as the night progressed and he didn't show up, the negative thoughts started to win over the positive. Gone were the daydreams of him telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. What I saw in my mind was that he found someone else. That he realized that he really did mean some of what he had said when we were at Samson's hideout. I don't think he'll come to see me tonight..._

 

Cullen walks up the last set of steps, trying to work out how he'll tell Clara that he never wants to be with anyone but her, and finds her asleep at her desk. He smiles warmly at her as she snores and pulls down the covers on her bed. Slowly, he picks her up, and carries her to her bed. Laying her down, Cullen pulls the sheet and blanket over her. Leaning over, Cullen gently kisses her forehead before he heads back to his quarters.


	25. Before the Final Fight

_I told Josephine to pack my day today, because I needed to keep busy. She gave me an understanding look, but left some time free so that I could collect my thoughts between meetings. I know Cullen wants to see me, but I... can't. I can't face what he'll say to me. I know I'm being cowardly, but I want to hold out just for a little while longer. To pretend that he wants to be with me. I saw him a couple of times today as I walked to one meeting or another, and I saw him eyeing some woman. Talking with her, blushing. Laughing at things she said. I couldn't see her face, but I'm sure she's pretty._

_I can't think about it anymore. I have to focus on what I need to do._

 

_Every time I try to talk to Clara, it seems like something gets in the way. The first time I tried yesterday, we were interrupted, because Samson had been delivered for judgement. When I tried to talk to her after, Clara was tired, which is understandable. When I went to talk with her over dinner, she was fast asleep. So I ate while I watched her sleep, and left her a note that I would be stopping by later. The meeting I had to go to ended up going later than I thought it would, and by the time I got back to her Clara was asleep at her desk. I went to see her this morning, but she's booked all day. The first time I'll see her is at the war room meeting after dinner. I had Dagna make a ring for Clara, I wanted to wait until after Coryfeus is defeated, but I don't want to wait anymore. I went out to the courtyard earlier, and talked with a merchant about flowers. She was a nice Ferelden woman, she knew just what I needed to make proposing to Clara special._

 

Clara heads toward the war room with Morrigan, and they tell the advisers that Morrigan can match the dragon. As the talk about where Coryfeus could be, Clara's anchor starts sending up green sparks, and a familiar green glow fills the room. Cullen and Clara exchange a glance and Clara quickly decides that she can't wait for the soldiers to get back. All of her inner circle and a handful of soldiers and scouts will go with her to face Coryfeus. Cullen quickly rounds the table, and grabs Clara's hands. "Come back to me, love." He leans in and kisses her.

"I'll will." She replies, and turns from him. Cullen watches his heart walk away from him to prepare to go to a final battle. Cullen's hands shake as he tries not to panic. Leliana and Josephine stand beside him and each take one of his hands.

"I was going to ask her to marry me." Cullen says out loud, fear in his voice.

"You still can, when she gets back." Leliana rubs his arm, in an attempt to comfort him.

"And I will help you and she plan the wedding." Josephine adds, and squeezes his hand. "Believe in her, she will come back to you." Cullen nods feebly, and goes back to the shrine of Andraste to pray.


	26. Cullen Hates Waiting

_This waiting is going to kill me. I can't stand that I have to stand by and wait for Clara to come back to me. All I can do is pray, but sometimes... She needs to come back to me. I have so many things I never got to tell her, show her. I need to make sure she knows how much I lover her, how deeply my feelings truly run for her. How she's become my everything in such a short time. There's cheering in the courtyard, I pray that means Clara will come back to me. Maker, I've already suffered so much, please just let her come back to me._

 

Clara stands with her friends in camp, celebrating the victory over Coryfeus when she feels a sudden sharp pain. Someone screams, and she's not sure who it is, herself or someone else. Clara looks down and sees a red spike protruding from her chest. Her breath catches as the world starts to look blurry. Clara is unsure if her friends killed the red Templar, but it doesn't seem to matter. She feels herself falling, but lands more softly than she had expected. She hears cries for Solas or Vivienne, but they seem so far off. She strains to see who's kneeling beside her. It's Vivienne, she can feel her sending magic into her body, but Clara can't see her anymore. A warm light fills her vision, and Clara feels a sense of peace.


	27. She Never Knew

_Cole appeared in front of me, and handed me Clara's journal. The look he gave me terrified me. I motioned for him to follow me, and I went to my office, not bothering to see if he followed. I looked up at the spirit boy and back down to her journal, and I couldn't bring myself to ask. "I'm so sorry." He said to me, so softly I could barely hear him. "She was afraid of what you would say, but she didn't know that she didn't have to be scared. I didn't help, but I should have. I'm so sorry." My heart clenched as I stared down at her journal, and I was so afraid. Leliana walked into my office, with a slip of paper. When I looked into her eyes, I saw what I knew in my soul. My Clara... My heart wasn't coming back to me. I had lost her forever._

 

"Read her journal." Leliana gives him a sympathetic look, and it's the closest Cullen had ever seen Leliana show an emotion other than anger. "I am here for you, I know what it is like to lose the person you love." Cullen tries to speak, but he can't, the words can't get past the lump in his throat. Leliana nods and walks out, leaving Cullen staring at Clara's diary.

 

_She never knew... She never knew and it's all my fault. I wasn't imagining those expressions she had in meetings. Clara, oh my sweet love... She thought I wanted to leave her, that I had found someone else. How could anyone have compared to her? Now she'll never know. All those things I wanted to say, that I waited to say. I'll never get to tell her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And it's my fault, I should have asked her months ago. There was no reason not to. I should have asked her after the Winter Palace. It's all my fault, because I hurt her, I gave her that reason to doubt me. She'll never know how much I truly loved her._

 

Cullen stands by the table Clara is laid on. Her brown hair pulled back into a simple braid, like how she favored styling her hair in life. Cullen touches Clara's hand, almost hoping that she was just sleeping, she looks so peaceful. But he knows she's gone. He pulls the ring out of his pocket and slips it onto her finger. Cullen leans over and kisses Clara for the last time. "I'm so sorry." He whispers, and stands back as Bull gently picks Clara up as though he too thinks she's merely fallen asleep and doesn't want to wake her. "Josephine, I can't." Tears stream down his cheeks as he buries his face in his hands. His whole body shakes and he tries to muffle his cries of despair in his hands. Cullen feels arms wrap around him, and pull him into an embrace. Putting his hands down, he sees that it's Dorian. Cullen wraps hugs the other man and they both sob into each others' shoulders.

"I can't do this alone." Dorian says, his chin quivering. "She was my best... No, she was more than a friend, she was my family, and I can't do this without you." Cullen nods, and wipes his face, and together they go to say goodbye to the woman they loved.


	28. Epilogue

_It's been fifty years since Clara was killed. Sometimes it feels like that time went by at the blink of an eye, but others... There were days that time felt like it stood still. On those days, I would close my eyes and hope that I would see her again when I opened them. I hadn't looked at this journal since the night she was taken from me. Even after all these years, the thought of her not being here with me still feels like an open wound, festering unseen. My sister tried to get me to move on, to find someone else, but I couldn't. Eventually Mia understood. I've watched all my nieces and nephews grow up and have children of their own, and I often wonder if Clara and I would have had children. Would we have had one or more? Would they be boys or girls, or a mix? My eyes or hers? Definitely curly hair, but brown or blonde? And I see these children that never were in my mind. Playing in the field with their cousins, running to their mommy for her to kiss their owies when they get scrapes. The children all grown up, and Clara and I growing old together._

_Not a day has gone by that I don't ache for my Clara, my love, my everything. The regret that she died not knowing... Not knowing that I wanted to grow old with her never dulled over time. I often wonder if she would have stopped at that camp after Coryfeus was defeated if she knew, or if she would have come straight home to me. It feels as though her blood is on my hands too..._

 

Cullen pulls the youngest of his great-nieces on his lap and all the other children circle around him as he tells them a bed time story. He tells them of the Inquisition, and of Clara. Cullen hopes that by telling them that they won't make the same mistakes he did. It seemed to work with their parents. After he finishes the story and answers all their questions, their parents herd them off to bed, and Cullen makes his way to his room. He thinks about praying, but he hadn't prayed in years. Not since he lost her. Cullen lays down in his bed, and for the first time in a long time falls asleep quickly.

 

He looks around him, and he realizes that he's in Haven. Cullen wonders how he could possibly be here. He looks around, hoping Clara will be there, and when he reaches the training grounds, he sees her. She turns and spots him, confusion in her cobalt blue eyes. Cullen runs toward her and feels the years slip from his body, and when he stands before her, he's the thirty-three year old he was when they first met. "Why are you here?"

"I don't know." Cullen replies looking around. "I was thinking about you before I fell asleep and suddenly I'm here."

"You were thinking about me?" Cullen took Clara's hands in his own and squeezes them gently.

"You are always my first thought when I wake up, and my last thought when I fall asleep. Clara, you have always been in my thoughts, ever since I first met you."

"Why?" 

"Because you are the only woman I ever loved, and will ever love. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and only you. I'm so sorry I never told you, I should have. It's all my fault you died, that you died not knowing how much I love you." Cullen brings their hands up to his face and cries.

"It was my fault too." Clara says, her eyes bright with unshead tears. "I was afraid that you were going to say you didn't love me, that you meant all those things you said, so I ran the other way. I should have known better."

"But how could you know? I gave you reason to doubt, I hurt you. I should have known better. I was waiting for the perfect moment to tell you, I should have told you sooner." Cullen lets go of her hands and pulls her into an embrace. 

"How are you here? You shouldn't be able to be here, I am dead but you are still alive." Clara looks up at him, her brow creased in worry. "Don't you have a wife to wake up to? Children? Grandchildren?"

"No." Cullen shakes his head, "I never wanted to move on. No one could have ever compared to you."

"You lived all these years without someone to love?" Clara asks, a tear trickles down her cheek.

"I was waiting for you." Cullen leans in and kisses her, knowing that he would never have to let her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tuvz_9D7Ok was in my head when I was writing this.


End file.
